Star Wars Episode VII: The Last Frontier
by TheManWithTheOtherPurpleSaber
Summary: In this all new hilarious installment to the Star Wars saga, this would be the seventh movie, we're jolted forward to a time of war and corruption between the Wookiees, allied with the Ewoks, lead by Chewbacca, and Rebels/Humans. Lemons.
1. Chapter 1: The Party That Ruined It All!

**Star Wars:**** The Last Frontier**

_**Many years after the fall of the empire a Great War began between the Wookiees, allied by the Ewoks, and the rest of the Universe. You see Luke pissed off Chewbacca when he wouldn't let him have a piece of the celebratory cake. This war has devastated many a planet. Now we will go back to when it all started…**_

(_We hear the Star Wars theme song as the camera pans about the universe…_)

(_POV: Outside of the Death Star moments before Vader takes his last breathes…_)

(_Camera zooms in through the walls of the Death Star and closes up on a triumphant Luke._)

(_Scene freezes and fades out to black for more text…_)

_**Ok cut the hero shit lets just get to the partying! So yeah now we're going to join Luke, Leia, Chewbacca, and the Ewoks at their celebration around the giant bon-fire. This is where the conflict begins.**_

(_Han goes to the falcon, with R2-D2 and C-3PO, and orbits the planet because he's been chosen as the "designated driver"_)

**Ewoks: **Chug, Chug, Chug!

**Luke: **(_Drunkenly_) Man…_hic_ boy do you guysh _hic_ sure know how to frow a party

_hic_!

(_Luke enters one of the Ewok huts to rest awhile but is immediately awoken by Chewbacca_)

**Chewbacca: **lidfs ghewipu rfjkldsvlnfd vlkfjioew pjfus dhuvnfdk jnvsdlfnj!

**Luke: **_hic_ Nope still don't understand you _hic_.

**Chewbacca: **lkdjlosdakj dlk; jflds fjoewii efjfd dslnfhy iruewo nvcv mxc?

**Luke: **Hey! You know what?

**Chewbacca: **jlds lfij werot rhj?

**Luke: **Don't know _hic_ what the fuck you _hic_ said _hic_ but I'm sure it wasn't even

close.

**Luke: **So, anyways, what I was gonna say was that, (_inhales deeply)_ **NONE OF US**

**HAVE EVER UNDERSTOOD WHAT THE SHIT YOU'RE SAYING SO**

**GIVE IT A FUCKING REST**!

**Chewbacca: **(_Whimpering_) kjlcljfdksaflhf!

**Luke: **(_Getting up_) What is this?! You're crying now? What are you? A little faggot? (_Pimp_

_Slaps Chewy_)

**Chewbacca: **jfhdsjkldfhgkjfd!

**Luke:** I'm guessing that means, "Thanks I really needed that," you stupid behemoth.

(_Leia enters the room slightly intoxicated and tries to get physical with Luke_)

**Luke: **What the hell are you doing, didn't you understand it back their when we had our

"aha" moment, that we were brother and sister?!

**Leia: **(_Startled_) Jeez- relax there mister "I'm-totally-against-incest-but-if-I-didn't-know-

she-was-my-sister-then-I-so-would-have-tapped-that."

**Luke: **And now you insult me, do you really expect me to get intimate with you now?!

**Leia: **(_Seductively_) Just give in to your feelings we both know you want me…

**Luke: **(_Angrily_) **NO MEANS NO! **Now, if you don't have anything Important to tell me

than,** GET OUT!!**

**Chewbacca: **(_Cheerfully_) kfjhg kjasd fgkdf sgkl dfsj!

**Luke: **(_Fuming_) **WHAT THE FUCK IS IT THIS TIME?!**

**Leia: **(_Looking outside_) I think he's saying that its time for the cake.

**Luke: **(_Joyfully_) **CAKE? **I LOVE CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!

**Leia: **Whoa, don't have a nose-bleed over it.

(_Luke shoves his way passed his half-naked sister and his gigantic Wookiee friend and sprints to the party grounds._)

(_Vader, Kenobi, and Yoda join the festivities in their spiritual forms._)

**Ewok Chief: **(_Ecstatically_) All hail Luke Skywalker: Saver of the Galaxy!

**Ewoks: **(_Together_) Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!

**Luke: **I know, I know just save it for later its cake time now!

(_Luke dives for the cake taking bites as he lands…_)

(_After the smoke clears there is no cake left except what has flown into the hair of the Ewoks._)

(_Everyone is startled to see that Luke walks out completely clean- free of icing, cake, or residues._)

**Chewbacca: **(_Confused_) flkjhs fdakjlg fjhgfwel iuverh gkj sdfghsd fkjhg…

**Luke: **Ok I think I made that out, you were saying, "Where's our cake?"

**Chewbacca: **(_Nods Head_)

**Luke: **(_Explaining_) Well if you're really that hungry and selfish…that you want to have a

piece of _**MY**_ cake then I guess its okay…**PSYCHE! **

**Chewbacca: **(_Angrily_) fasl fsdkj ghureihg fdjhkfa dghkjdf!

**Luke: **You've got plenty of the cake in your stinking fur!

**Chewbacca: **(_Fuming_) jdfh kjhshdf kdfhr!

**Luke: **(_Annoyed_) That's it I'm sick of your stinking blabbering why can't you just talk

English like the rest of these frigging midgets!!

**Ewok Chief: **(_Insulted_) Sir, I believe what Chewbacca last said was _**THIS MEANS**_

_**WAR YOU HUMAN FILTH!**_

**Luke: **(_Thinking_) _Oh shit, now I've done it I pissed off a monkey with a crossbow and a_

_bunch of mini-hims…- _Oh SHIT I'm fucked!

**Chewbacca: **(_Grinning Maliciously) __**CHARGE!**_

**Luke: **(_Running_) The one word you know and it has to be CHARGE?!

**Chewbacca: **(_Running_) jks ahlk jadh lsdkhkj fhk djkf!

**Wookiee to Ewok to English Translator: **(_Running_) He says, "When he catches you he's going to stick his big

behemoth dick up your ass, and split you in two!!"

**Luke: **(_Thinking_) _HOMO, HOMO, HOMO, AND HOMO._- **I ALWAYS KNEW HE WAS**

**HOMO-WAIT…DID I JUST SAY THAT OUT LOUD--D'OH--I MEANT TO**

**THINK IT!**

**Chewbacca: **(_Howls_) **AAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHOOOOOOOOHHHHH!**

**AOOOOOHHHHHHHH!**

(_Luke runs into Leia and grabs her as he's running_)

**Leia: **(_Yelling_) WHY THE HELL ARE YOU RUNNING?!

**Luke: **Look...long story short, Chewy is pissed and his people have joined with the Ewoks and declared war on the humans!!

**Leia: **Well I certainly don't wanna be with you after you wouldn't get it on with me…

**Luke: **Can we talk about that later?!

**Leia: **No! I want to talk about it now!

**Luke: **Look-whatever- Ah…FUCK IT! When we get to Tatooine I'll fuck the living lights out of you,

me and Han both…there you happy?

**Leia: **Okay, but you'd better be telling the truth…

**Luke: **(_Thinking_) _If she wants it she'll get it, plus she probably doesn't even know what a dick looks_

_like, the fucking virgin, look at me I've been reduced to having to fuck virgins!_

**_Author's Note: Luke used to be a famed and envied gigolo on Naboo before he was a Rebel_**

**Leia: **Ok, then just put me down I can run by myself!

**Luke: **Thank god I was starting to get tired back there…

**Leia: **(_Moody_) Are you calling me fat?!

**Luke: **(_Thinking_) _OH MY FUCKING GOD DIDN'T I JUST RUN MY SKINNY ASS OFF 15 MILES_

_WITH HER ON MY BACK?!_ -**NO…NO I DIDN'T!!**

**Leia: **(_Startled_) Ok, jeez, chill, my bad…

**Luke: **Fuck yeah it's your bad! Now…I need you to be quiet so that I can telecom call Han.

(_Luke attempts to start a call to Han, who is still in the Falcon_)

(_Camera now zooms over to Han in the Falcon, who is quite cranky…_)

**Han: **(_Muttering_) Stay in the falcon _Haaan_. You're the designated driver _Haaan_. Designated driver

my ass I could put this shit on auto-drive and we'd be there in the morning. No beer for you

_Haaan_. Fucking kids—

**Luke: crackle **Han? **pop **Han are you there can you read me?? **snap **Hello! Han we need you

to dock the falcon… **static **

**Han: **(_Via Telecom_) Kid? Luke what's wrong can you hear me?? Hello…?

**Luke: **(_Thankful_) **fizzle **Oh thank god for you Han, thank god for you… **chshhhhhh**

**Han: **Kid what the Hell is going on??

**Luke: **Um…well…you see…Chewy's not coming with us…

**Han: **(_Thinking_) _Hmm I have a feeling that Chewy got pissed because of something and has waged_

_Wookiee War on us_…**-DID YOU PISS OFF CHEWY!?**

**Luke: crackle **Look can we discuss this later just get the Falcon down here, **PLEASE!** (_Chewbacca_

_in the background_) **ROWRR!! ROOOOOAAAR!! static**

**Han: **Shit! The line went dead, oh well I guess lucks not on their side… (_Regretfully_) **I'M COMING**

**FOR YOU, KIDS!!**

_**Mean while back on the planet…**_

**Luke: **Oh shit now we're screwed…

**Leia: **Wh-What do you mean we're fucked?!

**Luke: **Um…never mind about that I meant nothing by it…

**Leia: **Ok…I guess…

**Luke: **(_Thinking Hopefully_) _Oh please God let Han come to the rescue, PLEASE, PLEASE,_

**_PLEASE_**...

**Leia: **(_Tugging At Luke_) Luke look it's the Falcon!

**Luke: **Get your hands out of my pants woman!

**Leia: **Oh sorry I thought that was your belt or saber…

**Luke: **(_Jokingly_) It's a saber of sorts.

**Leia: **Tehehe…

(_The ground near them begins to shake as the falcon makes its landing_)

(_Hans opens the docking port and yells for the two to jump on_)

(_Luke and Leia Make a leap for the ship and make it on board…_)

(_Camera zooms out and follows the Falcon as it makes a daring escape while Ewoks catapult_

_themselves at the ship…_)

(_Chewy watches with malice as the ship escapes_...)

(_R2 and 3PO come out of charging their units and greet Leia and Luke)_

(_We see the ship hit the atmosphere, which incinerates the dangling Ewoks._)

(_Escape at last! That is, but only for short…_)

_**END CHAPTER ONE**_

**_TBC- _**

**_Plz Review and Offer Ideas. _**

**_Next part is Coming Soon._**


	2. Chapter 2: Ewok Destroyers!

_**Chapter Two:**_

_**When we last left our adventurers they were making a daring escape from their newly mad Wookiee/Ewok enemies. (**__Recap__**) Luke promised Leia that he and Han would rip her ass up on Tatooine~. Leia is happily awaiting their arrival in Tatooine so that she may lose her virginity~. Chewbacca is pissed as hell and wants to kill all humans, thanks to Luke~.**_

_**Authors Note**__**: ~ stands for shit that was in Chapter one. Haven't read it? I don't give a shit, GO READ IT!**_

_(Luke and Leia decide to have a "preview" on the Falcon before reaching Tatooine.)_

_(Luke has Leia naked in the pile-driver position)_

_(Han is asleep in the command center dreaming of Jesus in a black thong at a party with Chris Hansen and Borat with a chicken-don't ask me why)_

_(3PO and R2 are playing a game of Strip Poker)_

_(We zoom in through the walls of the Falcon into a room that Leia and Luke are in by themselves, background music is 'Baby Got Back')_

_(Luke and Leia decide to have a "preview" on the Falcon before reaching Tatooine.)_

_(Both are naked…)_

_(Luke has Leia in the pile-driver position)_

**Luke:** Shit, you ready sis?

**Leia:** Ready when you are skimpy dick.

**Luke: **Really so that's what I am now, skimpy dick, huh?

**Leia: **_(Getting bored of being upside down) _Oh just shut-up and get it over with already!

**Luke: **_(Disgusted with himself)_Ok, but only the head and it's gonna be in your ass, doing my sis in her pussy would make me feel too awkward.

**Leia: **_(Scared)_** In my ass?!?!?!** I didn't agree to any of that…

**Luke: **_(Happily)_ Too late it's already being done…**unhhh!** That's the shit right their, baby _(Luke slaps Leia's tits and spits in her mouth)_.

**Leia:** _(Whimpering)_ Wai-**AHHHHHH!!! **No! **It really hurts!!!** **Get OUT!!** **OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!**

**Luke: **_(Demeaning)_ Yeah! And this is just the tip!!! Bitch, who's got a skimpy dick now?!?!?! Yeah you like feeling your brother inside your virgin ass?!?!

**Leia: **Luke, please stop, it hurts so bad!!!!

**Luke: **_(Mimicking Leia) __**Oh just shut-up and get it over with already!**__-_Learned your lesson yet bitch?!?!?!

**Leia:** **I'm sorry!!!!** Ok??? Please just take it out!!!

_(Luke pulls his dick out and Leia seems relieved but only for a moment of reprieve…)_

**Luke: **_(Hungrily) _Not just yet, slut, I'm not done with you yet!!!

_(Luke thrusts his hard cock into Leias open mouth and commences face-fucking his sister)_

**Luke: NOW SUCK!!!**

**Leia: (cough) **st- **(gag) **op! **(choke)**

_(Luke frees his load in Leias mouth)_

**Luke: **_(Skeeting)_** YEAH!!!!**

_(Tossing his wasted sister aside Luke grabs a pack of lights and has a blow…)_

**Luke: **_(Between Puffs) _Was it good for you too?

**Leia: **_(Shaking violently) _**(whimper)**

**Luke: **Don't sweat it, you'll feel your legs in two hours tops, I hope. That's how they all react…

_(Luke leaves Leia in the dorm undressed and cum soaked and makes his way to Han in the command center.)_

**Luke: WAKE UP!!!**

**Han: **_(Startled) _Jeez kid, what the hell is your problem, boy!

**Luke: **Ok…I'm sorry were you having a sexy-time dream?

**Han: **_(Nervously)_ What?!?! No! I only dream manly dreams, like about beer, or tits and ass!!!

**Luke: **_(Bluffing)_Sure, whatever I heard you in your sleep anyways.

**Han: **_(Trying to Shake Off Tha Haterz)_You're bluffing…I don't talk in my sleep…never have, never will…

**Luke: **_(Sarcastically)_Suuure, because Han Solo is the essence of "manliness"

**Han: **_(Perverted) _Whatever, now let's get back to more important things, you manned up yet for us gangbanging your sis tomorrow?

**Luke: **Oh yeah…about that I think Leia has had a change of hearts on that matter…

**Han: SHIT!!!** I really wanted to tap some prime virgin ass!!!

**Luke: **Awwwwwkward…

**Han: **Ok…so…anyway we're on course toward Tatooine and we're making great time…Hey you want to play naked Twister™?!?!

**Luke: **Yeah…I'm going to pass on that offer, any news on what's going to happen in the war?

**Han: **All I've heard is a lot of humans are siding with the Wookiee/Ewok Coalition and calling you the biggest prick ever…

_(3PO and R2, previously watching from the alley after their rigorous game, enter the room as Han speaks the last words in his sentence.)_

**3PO: That'......**

**R2-D2: Beep Bip Bop, BOOP!**

**Luke: **_(Thinking) That's almost as annoying as Chewbacca's gibberish-_Just a thought but haven't we ever thought of giving him a speech chip or something???

**Han: **Give it a break it has the attention span of a six year old.

_(R2 shocks Han in the crotch)_

**Han: FUCK!!! **Shit I think I'm bleeding!!! Luke go get something to soak up my mess, something gentle, but open, and something with suction.

**Luke: **Hold on to that thought, I'll be right back…

_(Luke goes in the back again and pulls Leia out of the room, by her hair, dragging her into the command center)_

_(Han who is not ready for such a scene gets hard but being as he's bleeding from down there it hurts like hell…)_

**Han: OWWWWWW!!! OH MY GOD IT BURNS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER!!!**

_(Before Han can make any more ruckus Luke shoves Leia's mouth onto Han's bleeding cock and forces her to suck…)_

**Luke: **_(Sarcastically Explaining)_Sorry sis, it's the only thing I could think of that would save our pilot. He said he needed something with suction and what's better than a girl's mouth?

**Leia: **_(Struggling) _The…**mmph**…medi-…**choke**…-ical…**gargle**…vac-…**spittle**…-uum?!?!?!?!

**Luke:** Ok…so you got me there…but hey, who gives a fucking rat's ass this is more fun!!!

**Han:** _(Healing)_ Not only is it more fun but I think it's working too…**uhhhhh**…

**Han:** _(Nearing Climax) _Yeah…working like a…**unhhhhhh**…**CHARM!!!!**

_(Han blows his load off in Leia's mouth)_

_(Leia feels like a whore for having taken two cocks in the mouth in less than an hour)_

_(Luke is laughing his ass off and recording the whole scene…)_

_(Off in the distance we can see a Ewok "Destroyer" Ship)_

**Han: **Hey guys do you see that tiny little ship off to our right or have I just lost a ton of blood???

**Leia:** _(Startled) _What the hell, you mean that warm stuff was blood?!?!?!

**Luke: **Yeah, I see it, what do you think it is Han?

**Han: **Something that small has to be one of those rumored Ewok "Destroyers."

**Luke: **Oh, you mean that piece of shit ships that the Ewoks make from secondhand parts?

**Han: **Yeah but that one looks like it's made of nothing but Deathstar parts…I recognize the laser…Oh shit they're targeting onto us…they're gonna fucking shoot!!!

**ALL: FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!**

_(We see a flash of green and a beam of light hits the Falcon)_

_(The ship, being in proximity to Tatooine begins to fall into the planet's gravitational pull)_

**Han: **Prepare for a crash landing kids!!!!!

_(The camera pans out and we get a far-off view of the falcon crashing onto Tatooine)_

_(There is a huge explosion and then silence birds fly out f a nearby forest)_

_(The camera slowly zooms in to the remnants of the Falcon)_

_(There is nothing but smoke and carnage at ground zero of the crash sight)_

_(The camera pans out to a view of the Ewok Destroyer we zoom in through the walls of the ship to see Ewoks and Wookiees dancing happily)_

_(We see a close-up of mangled yellow teeth as the camera slowly pulls away we see they're Chewbacca's and he is maniacally smiling)_

_(An order is given on the Destroyer and the Ewoks turn the ship around and head back home)_

_**Is this the end? Have our heroes died? Will we ever see who wins at the game of strip poker? What about Han, does he ever get laid? Will Luke ever get his sister off his jock? Does Leia find her true love? All these questions and more answered in the next chapter!!!**_

_**Ha you bitches thought I'd answer them hear…**_

_**Well I ain't gonna so go away…**_

_**I'm being serious…**_

_**Kfdjlkasjdfasdkjfaksj…**_

_**Ha! Gotcha!!!**_

_**Seriously…**_

_**Go jack off or something!!!!**_

…

_**END CHAPTER TWO**_

_**TBC-**_

_**Please review and offer ideas…**_

_**Next part is coming soon…**_


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